I tried. I promise. I really tried.
He was mad about me. Totally and truly.
Romantic cards filled my mailbox.
Expensive gifts graced important occasions.
Each and every anniversary remembered and celebrated.
But when night brushed its heavy ink across the sky, a blindingly bright, shadowless light fell upon us, leaving nowhere to hide.
A Blindfold?
“Don’t you want to look at me?” he would ask, his eyes betraying confused hurt.
A scarf to tie me up perhaps, so you can have your way with me?
“No! I want you to participate, not just lie there!”
Sigh.
I tried. I promise. I really tried.
After the humdrum-ho hum-humping, I would lay quietly as his contented breathing echoed through the luxurious room he ironically called, The Master Suite, unable to escape the haunting moments of my past. Moments, uninvited, swirled around me, invisible dust-devils, preventing peace, fanning the heat that burned incessantly, the memories refusing to fade…
– elbows pressed against a wall,
– a fingernail scraping down my spine, so slowly, so agonizingly slowly,
– the black silk placed across my eyes, enveloping me in a chamber of erotic sensitivity,
– every squirm of need met with a sound, scintillating slap.
…until the sandman eventually fluttered his magical mist, sending me adrift into the world of my dark desires.
I tried. I promise. I really tried.
First class cabins, private jets, beautiful hotel suites in beautiful cities across the globe, fabulous food in fabulous restaurants, but mutual frustration would not be ignored, finding its voice through the sharp cracks of strained conversation, leading to the inevitable.
“But why?” he asked, a proud man begging through the gaze of hazel eyes, a Captain of Industry unfamiliar with rejection, unable to comprehend how I could possibly be walking away from such a life.
“It’s just – we are – different…” I fumbled, searching for the non-existent words
My aching addiction must be fed, my craving must be met, and you who has so much, who has more than many could ever imagine, cannot offer me the one thing I need above all else.
“I tried. I promise. I really tried.”
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www.MaggieCarpenter.com
MagCarpenter@yahoo.com
Truly moving. Lovely!
Thank you Lise, and thank you for stopping by.
Oh how this speaks to me…I tried as well and I can’t live without it and in doing so I made a compromise and I am at peace with my decision.
Wonderfully written Maggie
Thank you Mari. It’s not easy have the addiction.
No it’s not easy. I tried to deny it and that was worse. 🙁
Hugs Maggie
Yes. Definitely worse. Like trying to wear something that is inside out and five sizes too small.
I decided, after my first taste, I wouldn’t settle for anything other than the only thing I’ve ever known that fulfills me as a woman. I’m not even willing to try.
Very wise lady. Good for you! I never will again, that’s for sure!
I am glad I am not the only one who has tried…but we cannot deny who we are, can we…
No we can’t. We must be true to our nature to be happy.
very poignant Maggie ..
Thank you, Gemini. We learn and move on. Some lessons are tougher than others, but those are usually the most important.
I couldn’t agree with you more Maggie…and I totally understand the trying in a vanilla relationship.. 🙂
Oh I tried – I really tried. 🙂
I believe that being submissive in nature makes you want to try and try even if you know deep down its not right…until something clicks and then you have to make the decision that is best for your long term needs..
Ah – I understand what you’re saying. As submissives we want to please – it’s in our nature – so we try! Inspired observation Gemini. Thank you for sharing that. I’d not thought about it in those terms. Brilliant!
ahh, Maggie, too true. If only…if only he could be both.
Those two words – “If Only” – no kidding!
Am contemplating a follow-up. How it all came about in the first place.
Oh please do…
xo
My goodness. I will have to now. 🙂
lol speaking for myself I am intrigued. So when you offer I will say “Yes, please tell us”. 🙂
I’ll remember that!
To deny who we are will only lead us to unhappiness. I have been unhappy and now am ready to accept who I am… Thank you for reminding me of this… 🙂
Thank you. Each of us must embrace our nature, find a way in this world to be true to that, and in doing so, we will find our peace, and hopefully happiness.