This post has been inspired by MariMar – a gifted blogger who re-blogged an excellent piece about spotting frauds claiming to be Dominants. It offers some great red-flags.
Is there any greater challenge in the world of D/s, than that of a sub seeking a Dominant? Not just a Dominant, but a Dominant who shares her perspective of the lifestyle. A Dominant with whom she can communicate. A Dominant who will treasure her and understand the precious gift she offers.
The very nature of the submissive soul places her in a vulnerable state, and if she is young or inexperienced it is a formidable task at best. Not just because finding a compatible match is difficult in itself, but because the field of potential suitors is riddled with frauds, liars, domineering egotistical men who prey on the vulnerable – and – well – you get the point. Even for a wise, experienced submissive it is challenging. For a newbie – it is nothing less than a minefield.
The D/s dynamic is a deeply personal experience and what works for one may not work for another. Generally speaking, I see the Dominant as a romantic, communicative, nurturing and supportive man, who is erotically charged, intuitive, and never cruel, unkind, aloof or uncaring.
The men I’m about to describe do not possess the heart of a Dominant as I have described him. They wear masks to hide their true nature and do so with cleverness and cunning. I suggest no woman should allow herself to be at the mercy of a man unless and until she has had the opportunity to observe him over a period of time. If he is the devil in disguise, at some point the truth of who he is will show itself. A little patience and a lot of smarts could save both her body and emotional well being.
This fellow is cunning and brilliantly manipulative. He uses emotional triggers to cause havoc, sending the unsuspecting, trusting sub into a series of ups and downs, culminating in a devastating state of self doubt and low self esteem.
The Psycho-Dom ultimately creates a psychological dependence, resulting in the victim’s belief that she cannot live without him and becomes trapped in an emotional tornado from which she feels there is no escape.
Many of these men are narcissists and/or sociopaths. The insidious carnage will begin slowly, the Psycho-Dom using his incredible charm and false kindness to draw in his victim. The sweetness will unexpectedly transform into destructive fury or cold withdrawal, leaving the victim wondering what she could possibly have done to incur such wrath.
WATCH FOR: Initially – too charming, too sweet, too giving, too perfect. It’s all about them. Overly confident and egotistical. Extremely critical. At the first sign of emotional blackmail, extreme possessiveness or sudden, severe personality change, bolt!
Sadly the Abuser is all too common. Simply put, this is a man who uses the BDSM – or Dominant – labels as an excuse to abuse the women in his life.
The innocent, inexperienced sub may find it difficult to determine the difference between discipline within the D/s relationship, and the man who whips her mercilessly for his own twisted gratification stating, “You’re my sub and I’ll punish you as I see fit.” Inasmuch as this is a common term in the D/s dynamic, it is easily hijacked and used to the Abuser’s advantage.
It goes without saying that anytime a woman, sub or vanilla, finds herself in a situation where she feels what she is experiencing is abuse, she should get out first and ask questions later.
WATCH FOR: He tells you a safe word isn’t necessary. Like the Psycho-Dom he’s possessive. He denigrates women and is overly critical. He has a bad temper. He’ll strike in anger – then tell you it’s your fault. At that point you’ve already stayed too long. Bolt.
If you’re looking for a serious, monogamous relationship watch out for The Married Dom. Oftentimes this predator doesn’t reveal his ‘complicated situation’ until it’s too late. The definition of Too Late? The sub is hopelessly in love. We all know the pitfalls of becoming involved with a married man. No need to go into detail here…
WATCH FOR: He will only offer a cell phone number. He will suggest places to eat in areas away from his work area. He never invites you to his home. He is unavailable on weekends and holidays. (Same signs as his vanilla counterpart).
These guys are really scary. They genuinely want to hurt you. There is nothing romantic or loving about them. They enjoy watching others suffer, both physically and emotionally, and have contempt for those around them. They relish the humiliation of their victims and are naturally duplicitous. Because most find sexual satisfaction in their sadism, they can disguise themselves as Dominants.
WATCH FOR: OBD (obsessive Compulsive Disorder). Putting you or themselves in unnecessary danger. Ongoing anxiety. The became easily and quickly irritated. Anger issues. Overly aggressive.
As the blog on MariMar’s page stated, there are many frauds, con men and posers out there. There is so much more I would like to say and perhaps I’ll do a follow up blog at some point. I will add that over time have learned to listen to what is actually said and not what I want to hear. I no longer make excuses for another’s bad behavior, and common sense and intuition are my best friends.
For all the danger lurking in the shadows, there are some wonderful Princes in the world who are just as frustrated as the Princesses they seek.
Keep the faith! At least we are watching out for each other and when we do stumble across “The One” – WOW – it will have all been worth it.