la dame sans merci III (Photo credit: sweethell)
vs. the domineering husband/boyfriend, in the vanilla world. I was just listening to a dear friend of mine, complaining about her bossy, selfish, uncaring husband. Personally, I think he’s just a bully. But it makes me wonder how different it would be for her, if he was an erotic Dominant, and she, his sweet submissive.
Would the difficulties they experience, vanish in the world of BDSM? Would the D/s involvement negate the need for his behavior, giving him the sense of security and power that is missing for him? Or would it simply give him an excuse to spank her if he didn’t get his way?
The D/s dynamic is a complex one, and it’s true that some men simply use the words BDSM for their own convenience, rather that the exciting, erotic exploration that makes our toes curl and tantalizes us. These men lack the subtle understanding of what a Dominant – or Master – actually is. For them, it’s just a label – a justification for their behavior.
Is it that some domineering, vanilla men, have a Dominant living inside them, and they don’t know how to liberate him, so become uncouth bullies? They attempt to control and manipulate to satisfy their desire and lust for power?
I don’t have the answers, but the thoughts do swirl around my head, whenever I am engaged in these conversations. What do you think? Are domineering vanilla men just frustrated Doms?
How about when the gender roles are turned: Can a dominant Mistress act selfishly, using her (willing) subjects for her own gratification, or is the game one of satisfying her males’ erotic desires? I’m planning on writing a blog post on this very soon. Comments appreciated x
Welcome Mistress Helen, and thank you for your question.
In my humble opinion, the dynamic between a Mistress/slave, and Master/submissive, is relatively the same. It is, after all, a power exchange between two consenting adults.
The ultimate reward for the subjugated is erotic gratification.
(Unless of course, there are other psychological motivations, and that is an entirely different subject matter.)
That reward can take many forms. So if your slave enjoys a selfish Mistress who appears to be interested in only her own needs, that in itself will satisfy him. The word ‘appears’ being the operative one.
However, if such is not the case, and the Mistress is not tuned in, cannot covertly and accurately determine his desires, then use it imaginatively for, and against him, ultimately culminating in his gratification, I suspect that slave would not wish to serve that particular Mistress for very long.
It’s a fine line we walk – Dom or sub – regardless of gender. Topping from the bottom is easily disguised, and it takes a sharp, caring, experienced Top to spot it, and appropriately correct the behavior. But again, if this is what the submissive truly wants, then ultimately he/she will find the person to give it to them.
That’s my ‘in a nutshell’ take, on a very complex issue. The D/s lifestyle is a moving target, an ever evolving work in progress. But isn’t the very nature of the beast, that which keeps us titillated and coming back for more?
Good luck with your blog.
Maggie
Thanks for the well-thought out reply! Much appreciated. I agree with most of what you’re saying, especially that the Dom/me needs to be very much tuned into what’s going on in his/her sub’s head – and that that is no simple task. I do however think that there might (some times/most times) be a difference between a Male/female and Female/male-dynamic, though, just because of MANkind’s (sorry for the inappropriate word, but it underlines my point) male-dominated history. As such, for a Female to dominate a male, there’s a whole other breaking of taboo or norms going on that is not so much present in the opposite scenario (although in some very egalitarian/Feminist countries, a woman submitting to a man might already be a taboo). Sorry, am aware this wasn’t worded very elegantly, will try to put my thoughts down on paper in a more cohesive way in the blog post! 🙂
Greetings Mistress Helen:
Your observations makes sense.
As in all human interaction, it comes down to the individual and his/her background, and wants and needs.
I once knew a very skilled professional Domme who catered to some very interesting men, several of whom, were CEO’s of Fortune 500 companies. They spent their daily lives under extreme stress, making decisions that affected the lives of hundreds of people, and the financial welfare of the company which they headed.
These men cherished the few hours they could spend with her, simply because, for that short period of time, they gave up control. In those times, they threw away the manacles of one life, in exchange for the manacles of another. The latter represented freedom.
While it is true that in our western culture, the man is predominantly the Head of the Household, there are many families that are matriarchal, and if a man is raised in such a family, surrendering to a Domme feels comfortable and familiar.
It is incumbent upon any Dominant, male or female, to determine, if possible, the motivations of his/her supplicant. Even if such is never determined, as the interaction progresses, it should become evident to the Master/Mistress, what their subjugated charge is seeking through their power exchange.
I have no idea where my submissive cravings were born. There is nothing particularly unique about my upbringing, but from as far back as I can recall, it was in my stream of consciousness. Where did that come from? My mother, the sweetest, kindest person in the world, was horrified that I would tie up my dolls if I thought they’d been naughty, and I’m sure she thought she had given birth to a very disturbed child.
I reference this only because, if a man seeks a woman to serve, it is an inherent trait that must have its voice. I don’t see a taboo attached, perhaps because I’ve been in the lifestyle so long it’s a non-issue. Maybe that’s a failing on my part.
As long as you are sensitive to your partner, allow your instinct to guide you, and be true to yourself, you’ll land on your feet. Sometimes we analyze too much, and feel too little. What you do behind closed doors, as long as it is consensual and respectful, without physical or psychological injury, as far as I’m concerned, it’s nobody’s business but that of you and your partner.
There are many other thoughts in my head, and I could write for another hour, but I think I have covered the points I find important.
Thank you for this most interesting discussion.
Maggie
While it’s true that many men are raised in matriarchal household, I think it’s also for the most part true that they are (confusingly, and contradictory to reality) raised in the belief that the father is actually the head of the household, even if that isn’t really the case. I also believe that most little boys growing up in such households are told to go out and become leaders, bosses, entrepreneurs, heads of households and above all Masculine, right? Even if I think it could benefit society, I never heard of any boy being told by his parents to find a dominant woman and happily submit to her authority.
I’m quite new to this lifestyle, and as such need to do a lot of analyzing in order to make sense of it all. I have noticed that with several of the subs I’ve played with, they are deeply afraid of being ‘outed’ as submissives – the thought of another (vanilla) man ever knowing about them that they like being controlled by a woman is truly scary for them. I suspect this to be true also for a lot of the CEO-types you mention – what bigger taboo is there than to be seen as non-masculine, under the control of a woman?
As to where our inclination to dominate or be dominated comes from, it would be interesting to know more about that. It’s something very primal, and yet sometimes very sophisticated and difficult to explain.
For me, being a Dominant female cannot just be about satisfying my male subs’ sexual desires. I’m afraid I’m too selfish, or too…Dominant? to want to cater to their needs in that sense. Having said that, when I find subs whose kinks complement my own and our play is deeply satisfying for both parties, that in itself becomes a turn-on, so I still need to be in tune with what they desire…complex stuff! x